The letter, which was first published on Kenyan site Ghalfa got the attention of the voluptuous singer, although her reaction was neither negative or positive. She had nothing but thanks to say after reading the long epistle… Maybe the writer needs to go a little step further… You never know.
Dear Victoria Kimani
I hope you are doing great. Yesterday you posted on Instagram that you were looking for a new boyfriend. I never knew the heavens would answer my prayers so quickly and now this is the moment to seize my glory. You have had me smitten .
Your thighs remind me of the nyama nusu that I usually buy from Kimotho’s butchery – so fresh, so nice. Your eyes remind me of superbly matured brandy, preserved with cubes of ice and sipped by men so wise. Your voice reminds me of the girl I played ‘Cha Baba na Cha Mama’ with, many years ago. Her vocals always sounded like a classical tune by Mozart. When I look at Njeri, I see you. When I look at Adhiambo, I see you. When I look at Jerotich, I see you. Even when I look at Princess Switlishous Mtamuest Mhotext (the ‘xoxo’ chic from Facebook), I still see you.My friends ask what i see in you and i say i see nothing. I see the stars, the moon and the 9th planet of the galaxy.
So I am writing you this letter to express my immense ‘feelings and thirst’ for you: Thirst that I did not necessarily see coming, but thirst that in retrospect, I needed as I entered 2015. This is not about celebrity worship or attempting to deify you above all other women, because that’s not what I’m about. This is just a bold act of “kufungua roho” After all, I have told my main chic, my side chics, my mistresses and my concubines that if I would ever cheat on them with anyone, that ‘anyone’ would be you. I am an honest African man
Unlike other guys, I won’t look at your picture and grab a can of Vaseline Jelly. I won’t fap myself away to tedium. I’ll wait for the day you’ll grant me access to your front-end. Probably at a five star hotel in Lagos. I know that dreams do come true. If things go well, I might even be negotiating ‘mahari’ with Bamboo. You never know. How awesome would that be? I’d be the biggest bawse. But that’s a dream for another day. And enough about me. This is about you
The first time I saw you, it was only for an instant. I felt like a Luhya man who was about to slaughter a fat chicken. That awe, that eagerness, that wry smile. You woke me from a long lethargy, a dull acquiescence in romantic restrictions, a needless self-effacement. I loved you so – loved your fine body with such tenderness. Ah, my dear! And I am not thinking now of “passion”. No, of that other thing that makes me feel that every inch of you is so precious to me – your perfect shoulders – your chocolate warm skin, your ears, cold like shells are cold – your long legs & thighs that are rich in ‘caressable flesh. It is partly because you are so young that I feel this tenderness – I love your youth – I could not bear that it should be touched even by a cold wind if I were the Lord.
My eyes are desperately waiting for the sight of you. You don’t realize of course,., how fascinatingly beautiful you have always been, and how strangely you have acquired an added and special and dangerous loveliness.’ When I look at you, I see myself in you – like literally. Deep inside. Allow me to take a glass of water please because this has already had me dehydrated
I love your music. The strength and freedom with which you express yourself is just magical. The conviction with which you flip your hair and the vigor with which you dance just kills me – a homicide. You look girly yet in control, sexy yet strong at the same time. You’re competitive with your work yet recognize the power of female sexuality.
I’ve never been able to decide … whether I lust for you the most in the eternal classic half-lights of your music videos where it blends with the magnificence of your eyes or in the full religious fan-fare of mid-night or perhaps in the lux of noon. Either way, I still do.
So Victoria, be my toto and I’ll be your moto. I have all the prokoto you need in a man. My bank account isn’t that loaded but trust me, its growing fast. In fact, I buy new wallets every month because old wallets fail to sufficiently accommodate current cash. We two, you know, have everything before us, and we can do very great things – I have perfect faith in us – and so perfect is my lust for you that I am, as it were, still, silent to my very soul. I want nobody but you for my ‘one night stand.’ Anyway, I’m done dorking out for now. I really could go on and on, but I think I have put out enough
Will you be my ‘chipo’?….hata kichwa tu ni sawa
(The last douche standing)